Saturday, April 20, 2024

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Chronicles of a Renegade

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The season is over.
A moment of silence, please.
Now we need a new sport to bridge the gap between today and the next rookie camp.
Look, I know they have these other sports. They even have playoffs and championships, which is very, very cute.
However, it’s not the physical grabbing and knocking down with such force they have to ride off the field on that little golf cart thingy.
With the exception of the occasional on-court NBA riot (fan involvement optional) at no extra charge, by the way, that is very good for the league.
Oh, and hockey gets an honorable mention for the blood being left on the ice after a fight. But if they would allow inserting the puck anywhere into your opponent as a way of scoring bonus points, its popularity would skyrocket throughout the world.
The problem is we are still left feeling a little empty because we need a true test of all of our athletic abilities, like pushing, shoving, hitting, and knocking down, and not just in celebration after a touchdown.
So may I suggest something new.
Roller Dart Eater!
The Ultimate Hybrid Sport!
Roller Dart Eater is a fusion of roller derby, darts, and competitive eating.
Ever dreamed of watching someone roller skate, throw darts, and stuff their face with food all at the same time?
Of course, you have!
Teams consist of five players each, and all of them will play throughout the game as Roller Skaters, Dart Throwers, and Eaters.
You play on an oval track with a central eating area and dart boards positioned around the perimeter.
Picture this! Teams of skaters hurtling around a track trying to pass opponents to score points and still trying to hit the bullseye, and not their opponents, to score more points.
It’s a test of agility, accuracy, and a very understanding Health Plan.
But wait, there’s more! Interspersed throughout the match are competitive eating challenges.
At random points during each quarter, there is a signal for everyone to head to the eating areas.
Imagine every player scarfing down hot dogs, devouring plates of nachos, and tossing back tacos. Then, after the eating time limit is up, everybody has to get back on the track and skate!
Everyone knows belly aches add a whole new dimension to any sport.
Points are awarded for each opponent passed on the track, accuracy of dart throws and for the quantity and speed of food consumption. Points are deducted for hitting your opponent with a dart “accidentally”.
Food items must adhere to the safety and health standards of any frat party.
Fair play and sportsmanship are enforced to the same degree as professional wrestling.
And all safety gear worn is designed by the same guys who made sure that the door was secure on the 737 Max.
Roller Dart Eater!
It’s like the Olympics, the circus, and a food festival rolled into one!
Only time will tell if Roller Dart Eater will capture the hearts (and stomachs) of the masses.
But one thing’s for sure, it’s a spectacle that’s bound to leave a lasting impression.
Whether you’re cheering from the sidelines or nervously eyeing the nearest antacid.
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