Barbecues, Fireworks, and Grilled Burgers aka Independence Day
By Mike Mankiewicz
therealbrainlessshow@gmail.com
Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash
Ah, the 4th of July! Or, as we all affectionately call it, BBQ, Fireworks, and Beer Day. It’s that special time of year when we gather around flaming grills, set off explosives in our backyards, and conveniently forget the actual reason for the celebration. Who cares about a ragtag bunch of farmers and merchants who defeated the most powerful military machine on the planet? There are perfectly good burgers to char and sparklers to wave, right?
The Founding Fathers and Grilled Burgers
Imagine Thomas Jefferson penning the Declaration of Independence with one hand while flipping a burger with the other. “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Medium-Rare.” George Washington would be manning the grill, ensuring no burger was left behind. And Benjamin Franklin? He’d be the one experimenting with the perfect homemade barbecue sauce—guaranteed to be electrifying.
Fireworks: Because Nothing Says Freedom Like Explosives
What better way to honor our nation’s independence than by scaring pets and waking up the entire neighborhood with a dazzling display of fireworks? I’m sure nothing screams “patriotism” more than watching colorful explosions in the sky, hoping the kids don’t set the lawn on fire.
Patriotic Potato Salad and the Revolutionary Red, White, and Blueberry Pie
Independence Day wouldn’t be complete without the all-American feast. We deck out our tables with red, white, and blue everything—from potato salad so patriotic it might just recite the Pledge of Allegiance to berry pie that screams freedom with every bite. Don’t forget the corn on the cob, a true symbol of our forefathers’ struggle to find a decent dental plan.
The Great American Pastime: Lawn Chair Lounging
As we sit back in our lawn chairs, a cold beverage in one hand and a hot dog in the other, we reflect on the true spirit of Independence Day. Okay, maybe we don’t actually reflect. Maybe we just nap. But hey, what’s more American than lounging around and letting someone else do the grilling?
Independence Day? More Like Indulgence Day
We’ve mastered the art of turning a historic event into a backyard carnival. Who needs a history lesson when you have a slip ‘n slide and a cooler full of ice-cold drinks? The sacrifices of the revolution are commemorated through competitive games of cornhole (please somebody come up with a different name for that activity) and tug-of-war. Of course, many of those are now done through an app on your phone.
When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Grilling!
So, this 4th of July, let’s raise our grill tongs and toast to the land of the free and the home of the brave. Here’s to our forefathers who fought for our right to overcook meat and underappreciate historical significance. As we slather homemade barbecue sauce on our burgers, let’s remember: nothing says freedom quite like a well-seasoned patty and a pyrotechnic display.
Happy Independence Day, America!
Keep the grill hot and the fireworks safe. If anyone asks about the true meaning of the holiday, point to the burger and say, “This is what freedom tastes like.”
